I was in Driver’s Ed class the other day, and a conversation was brought up by the visiting police officer that made me a bit upset and frustrated. I understand the point the officer was trying to make about the 6-month-rule for new drivers, but his demonstration and way of going about teaching us about the dangers of violating this rule got me thinking about an entirely different topic that needs to be addressed.

        The beginning of class went a bit like this…

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“Alright,” he said, as he looked around the room at each of our faces.

       Truthfully, at that moment, I felt a bit like I was being put up for auction. I kept my head down, praying he wouldn’t pick me for whatever silly question or trick he had up his sleeve.

“You,” he said, pointing to Anna.

She stood up and walked to the front of the room.

“Now, I want you to stand right there across from me. Closer to the window. We are going to simulate what a car accident looks like. We’re going to charge as fast as we can at each other. No stopping. How many steps do you think it will take for me to reach you, smash in your skull with my forearm, and throw you through the glass window? Let’s hope there aren’t any cars driving by. You good with this?” he said.

“Um… ok,” Anna said.

        She glanced at the rest of the class uncomfortably. I, for one, was extremely confused. What was he trying to prove? We got it. He was the “tough guy” who could kill us all with one punch of his fist (as he made a point to mention many times). So… why was he doing this?

“Get ready. Are you going to get into a running stance or stay standing?” he questioned.

“I guess I’ll just stand?” she replied as he began to get into a running stance while she stood there looking befuddled.

For a second, it seemed like he was actually going to storm towards her.

“WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT? I PRETTY MUCH JUST TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU, SMASH YOU TO BITS, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME “NO?!” ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO WHEN YOUR FRIEND, WHO CANNOT LEGALLY DRIVE YOU, TELLS YOU TO GET IN THEIR CAR EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT’S NOT SAFE, AND HE DRIVES LIKE A RETARD?!” he yelled.

*

        There were MANY things wrong with the class I attended today, besides the fact that an adult male, who claims to have seen and dealt with everything, would use the word “retard.” I don’t even have the energy to go into that comment right now. It was an ignorant thing to say, and that’s that.

       The one major thing that stuck out to me was my classmate being humiliated and made an example of for not saying the word “no.”

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        From the time most of us are young, our parents tell us to be leaders and not followers. To this day, I can remember my parents asking me, “If all of your friends jump off a bridge, will you do it too?” My answer was always “no.” Nowadays, us girls are taught to ward off unwanted advances from men by using the word “no.” However, when it comes to adult figures, such as parents, teachers, officials, etc., we are taught to obey them. To show no disrespect. We are taught that adults are on a pedestal so high above us and as children, we are always beneath them (and don’t know as much as them). Therefore, if they ask or tell us to do something, we say “yes” or “ok.” So, my question is, where do we draw the line? How can a person, like the police officer, become angry and call someone stupid for saying “ok” because they didn’t think they had the ability to say “no?”

         Saying “no” can have consequences. Saying “yes” when you know you should be saying “no” can also have consequences. Being reprimanded and shamed for not saying “no” to an authority figure is not foreign to me, which is part of the reason why I think it is an unacceptable act.

        I, as I have mentioned before, have chronic pain. Last year in April, I was dealing not only with chronic abdominal and head pain but also an acute hip injury. I had just gotten off of crutches a week or so prior but was not cleared by the orthopedic. (I was still dealing with severe pain attending physical therapy.) Long story short, I was forced to participate in gym class even though I made the teacher aware of my delicate situation. And I was reinjured. (It is now almost a year later, and I have developed chronic hip and foot pain. I haven’t been able to walk properly in over 6 months, and have been forced to return to a chronic pain rehabilitation center to get assistance in managing my new pains.) In turn, I was rightfully angry with the situation, and my mom arranged a meeting with the school, in which I was blamed (and threatened to be flunked out of gym if I didn’t return?!) for the incident because I didn’t use the word “no.”

       I am not an adult, though my experiences and life situation may cause me to act like one at times. I am a CHILD. I made my situation clear that day, and when my teacher told me that I should be able to handle the activity because it was not physical, I felt pressured to comply. So I did. He was a teacher. I was a student. Good students do what their teachers tell them to do because the teachers know best. I am a good student, and I did what my teacher told me.

      I will live the rest of my life regretting it.

      But would have saying the word “no” have gone smoothly, either? Yes, I would be in a better place than I am now, but it would not have been without there being a problem or a fight or repercussions. I know that if I had said “no” to that teacher, it would have been a problem because we students are not allowed to say “no” to teachers. Been there, done that. When someone tells you to do something, you do it. “No” is not acceptable.

        If you raise your hand and ask your chorus teacher to go to the bathroom and he says “no,” then you don’t go to the bathroom. Even if you really have to go.

        If you tell your coach your foot is bothering you, and you don’t think you can compete in your gymnastics meet, but she says “no,” then you compete, hoping you don’t get injured further in the process.

       Learning to say “no,” to anything, is extremely important. Being unable to say “no,” can be physically dangerous. Being unable to say “no” to drugs. Being unable to say “no” to alcohol. Being able to say “no” to someone who is putting you in danger. Being unable to say “no” is also just plain exhausting. Feeling pulled in so many different directions from various commitments can affect your overall happiness. And who wants that?

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         Maybe the way that parents raise children and the way schools view students and the way society views the word “no” needs to change. “No” is not a bad word. What people need to understand is that saying “no” can come with consequences, but it shouldn’t always. If you say “no” to doing chores or to going to football practice or to doing your homework, there might be a negative outcome. On the other hand, “no” can be a powerful word in a positive or neutral way. No. I don’t want to have sex with you. No. I can’t participate in gym class. No. I don’t have time to do your part of the group project. No. I can’t wait to go to the bathroom. No. I can’t take on that extra shift at work. No. I can’t hang out with you if you are going to talk smack about other people. No. No. No.

(To learn more about why you should learn to say no more often, visit this Link.)

“No says, ‘This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.’” – Psychology Today

“The ability to say no is crucial for mental health and self-confidence.” – Psychology Today